I went out to dinner with some girlfriends from church a few weeks ago, and it was lovely. Now, the end of the table I was sitting at just happened to have two women at it, both married, both with newborn babies. These girls are good friends of mine, and we were chatting about all the mommy and marriage stuff and after a while, it was brought up how our friends outside of church are just nowhere near the marriage or baby stage yet. It was such a great comfort to be able to talk about this stuff with girls my age that I hadn't realized how isolated I feel the other 6 days a week when I'm not in church.
Getting married at 23 and becoming a mother at 24, I am in the minority here in this country. The average age of grooms in Ireland last year was 34.7 years, while the average age of brides was 32.6. I was almost a decade younger than the average when I got married. And, at the best of times, it kind of makes me feel like a freak.
Like I was saying with the girls at our dinner the other night, being a 21st century woman with 20th century values is isolating. Now, don't get me wrong - I have a high regard for the value and worth of an education, a career, etc. I plan on furthering my education in the future. Maybe not my career, because 'focusing on my career' has never held any interest for me. I would do PhD after PhD, but finding fulfillment in a continuously rising income or job title has never really interested me. But (right now) babies and marriage and focusing on a Christ-centered life - that does.
And, at times, it makes me feel like a freak.
To be perfectly honest, I don't even really know where I'm going with this blog post. Not a fecking clue. All I know is, I've been thinking about this topic a heck of a lot the past few days, and I felt like chatting about it. I called this blog Bona Fide Blonde with the intention of being just that - bona fide. Genuine, and with always, truth in everything. So I guess what I'm saying is, I think I just want to lay it all out there, what's on my heart, and how I'm feeling about it. Feeling like a weirdo because I'm married and a mother...what was the point of that? Of allowing myself to feel bad because I'm doing what I feel is, at this point in my life, right for me? I feel so strongly that glorifying God by being as Christ-like a wife and mother as I can be is what I'm meant to be doing right now that I just...thought I'd write about it. (Knowing me, next week I'll be like HELLL NAH I'm an independent woman gon get my careeeeer) BUT, this is, 100%, how I'm feeling right now. For the record - you can glorify God in many, many ways. Mother Teresa never married or had bebes, and look at all the incredible ways she worked in God's name. Glorifying God, I have found, is best done by taking your God-given passions and talents and using them for good, for loveliness, grace, mercy, for kindness and humour and all of those good things that move us deeply.
I think I spent a lot of my late teens and early twenties trying to please everyone, and doing what I thought I was 'supposed' to do. I based my decisions on what I thought would be the most 'normal' or 'right' thing to do, instead of believing that it was okay to just be me. Just do what I felt would make me happy. I did eventually, move to London and study my dream degree, but it took me 3 years longer than it should have. All because I was living my life based on the fear of what people would think of me if I did the things that I valued, and they didn't.
I think I spent a lot of my late teens and early twenties trying to please everyone, and doing what I thought I was 'supposed' to do. I based my decisions on what I thought would be the most 'normal' or 'right' thing to do, instead of believing that it was okay to just be me. Just do what I felt would make me happy. I did eventually, move to London and study my dream degree, but it took me 3 years longer than it should have. All because I was living my life based on the fear of what people would think of me if I did the things that I valued, and they didn't.
I know that people are still going to judge me anyway. We all judge, myself included, it's definitely something I struggle with. I think that I'm just finally realizing that they can judge, and not like, and I can not give a flying floop.
I wouldn't change getting married at 23 for a second. In fact, I think every one should get married young, if they are in love and are ready for the commitment. However, I 100% understand that marriage is not for every one, and neither is motherhood. That's ok. I get it. I guess what I'm saying is...it can, at times, be difficult, being a young mom and wife and finding great worth in those roles when every one around you is telling that, in fact, those roles are sub-par and true worth is actually found in the workforce. That's probably true for some people. And that's cool.
Society won't work if all women just stay at home and breed. And it won't work if we all value our careers over motherhood and marriage either. What works is listening to that little voice inside you that knows and feels and understands what you love. I have only just learned that real value, and true self worth, is found in following exactly what your heart tells you to. If that means never getting married, never having kids, or never learning how to cook a roast - that's cool. If that means staying at home and raising 15 kids and having dinner on the table by 5 every evening? That is also cool. If that means having 10 kids and being a good wife and being the first female president and winning a nobel prize all at the same time - cool.
I mean, I definitely think you're missing out if you live a life without getting married. I remember when Colm and I first got married, my Dad skyped us after he had a pint or three, and actually gave us some of the best advice we've ever been given as a married couple. He said, "You guys are going to hurt each other. It's inevitable that you will both make mistakes. But if you can learn to love unconditionally and forgive each other easily, you will find that marriage is one of the most fulfilling and rewarding things you will ever experience in life." And I have found that he is right. But, every one is different. Whatever you feel God is calling you to do, do it. I feel a calling as a wife, as a mother, as a Christian. I feel a calling to help people. I feel a calling to write. I feel a calling to educate myself. I feel a calling to eventually complete my Anthropology degree. I feel a calling to love and be loved. I feel a calling to be and embody and speak truth, always.
Like I was saying earlier, I had no idea where this post was going, but I guess it's ended up with...please, for your sake and every one else's, be the you that you were designed to be. The world will be a better place because of it. Also, I love being a mom. And a wife. And a big soppy person who writes big soppy blog posts.
Oh dear.
Lots and lots and lots of the love,
Aine.
Society won't work if all women just stay at home and breed. And it won't work if we all value our careers over motherhood and marriage either. What works is listening to that little voice inside you that knows and feels and understands what you love. I have only just learned that real value, and true self worth, is found in following exactly what your heart tells you to. If that means never getting married, never having kids, or never learning how to cook a roast - that's cool. If that means staying at home and raising 15 kids and having dinner on the table by 5 every evening? That is also cool. If that means having 10 kids and being a good wife and being the first female president and winning a nobel prize all at the same time - cool.
I mean, I definitely think you're missing out if you live a life without getting married. I remember when Colm and I first got married, my Dad skyped us after he had a pint or three, and actually gave us some of the best advice we've ever been given as a married couple. He said, "You guys are going to hurt each other. It's inevitable that you will both make mistakes. But if you can learn to love unconditionally and forgive each other easily, you will find that marriage is one of the most fulfilling and rewarding things you will ever experience in life." And I have found that he is right. But, every one is different. Whatever you feel God is calling you to do, do it. I feel a calling as a wife, as a mother, as a Christian. I feel a calling to help people. I feel a calling to write. I feel a calling to educate myself. I feel a calling to eventually complete my Anthropology degree. I feel a calling to love and be loved. I feel a calling to be and embody and speak truth, always.
Like I was saying earlier, I had no idea where this post was going, but I guess it's ended up with...please, for your sake and every one else's, be the you that you were designed to be. The world will be a better place because of it. Also, I love being a mom. And a wife. And a big soppy person who writes big soppy blog posts.
Oh dear.
Lots and lots and lots of the love,
Aine.
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