1. You are going to have absolutely no clue what the heck you are doing.
I remember walking (yes, walking) back to my bed just after giving birth, my little bundle of squish placed in the cot right next to me, talking to the nurses briefly, spending some time with my husband, then being left completely, utterly, painfully alone. In the dark. Literally, in the dark - they had the lights turned out so other moms and babies could sleep. I had a look at his beautiful peachy cheeks, and thought, "it's just me and you kid. Sweet dreams." I lay down in my bed and closed my eyes, ready for some sweet, SWEET sleep after labor.
Ha. As he (and every other newborn) has a way of doing, he woke up with a wail as soon as I was ready to go to sleep. I took him in beside me and put him on the boob, terrified of waking other babies/moms. Of course, I had never breastfed before, so I didn't know that he wasn't actually latched on properly. He kept crying. And all I could think was, "Oh my dear God, I am actually responsible for the survival of this thing - an actual human being. Where the hell are the nurses? What are they doing, leaving me alone with a newborn human!?" I mean really. So irresponsible.
Just kidding. But that feeling continued once I got home from hospital. Looking back, I see that because I didn't know what I was doing, I thought that I wasn't a 'natural mother.' Or that God had made a mistake by giving this beautiful precious baby boy to me - I wasn't good enough for him. I asked people to mind him as often as they would, because I didn't think I was capable of being there for him 24 hours a day. I tried to be on my own as much as possible. I thought that the whole newborn phase was the worst thing ever. I dreaded, and I mean DREADED, being left alone while my husband went to class or soccer, and counted down the hours until he would be home. Looking back, I feel really, really bad for my previous, fresh-mama self. I cry for her. I see now that if I had just immersed myself in motherhood - all the glorious difficulty of it all - and told myself that the sleep deprivation would, like all difficult things, pass after time - I would have been ok. I would have believed in myself more. I wish I hadn't felt like asking for help was admitting failure, and I wish I hadn't let other peoples' comments made me feel like any less of a mother.
But - here's the thing, that looking back I now realize - just because you don't know what the heck you're doing, doesn't mean that you don't know what the heck you're doing...so to speak. It doesn't mean you're going to accidentally starve/injure/maim your child in any way. It doesn't mean that you weren't meant for motherhood. It doesn't mean that you are failing. What it does mean? That you are just like every other woman that has ever had a baby for the first time. Exactly the same as them. Also, you may not see it at the time, but looking back you will realize it -you had motherly instincts from the get go. They're there every time your baby cries, every time you worry because you haven't heard him cry in a while, every time you're just a little bit nervous when someone new holds him. It's there. You had it. You always have. You are mother enough.
2. Breastfeeding is one of the most painful, demanding, frustrating, and beautiful things you could ever do.
Truly. No one told me about the pain. And maybe that's my fault - maybe I just didn't do enough research. But seriously - the pain!! Your nipples will feel like your child is slowly but steadily trying to eat them whole off your breasts. They will crack and bleed and you will cry every time your baby latches on. You will wish you were born a man. And guess what? You can't just take a break to allow your nipples to heal. Because your baby feeds when he wants to feed, and not when you're able to take the pain. Not to mention the fact that no one else can feed your bebe, so you're sleeping roughly 4-5 hours, broken up, a night. So, why breastfeed at all right?
Well, because, not EVERY woman experiences this level of pain while trying to establish breastfeeding...but some do. The paler skin you have, the more painful it's likely to be....but it does go away. It does pass. Maybe not after a week, or four weeks, or if you're me, two months - but it does go away. And it is so much more convenient, cheaper, and wonderful than formula, and that's coming from someone who weaned their baby on to formula after 12 weeks. I look back at that time when I fed him myself, and I feel devastated by the fact that I had to stop when I did. If you're preggo, read EVERYTHING you can about breastfeeding...and whatever you do, don't feel like it's supposed to be a breeze from the get go. It is so, so hard. But so, so worth it.
3. You do not owe anybody your or your baby's presence or time when you are adjusting to life with a newborn.
This was possibly one of the hardest things I had to deal with when Eli was born. Inside, I wanted to be alone with my husband, my new son, and, sometimes, my mother to help me through all the scary stuff. I had just given birth, my body was in bits, I wasn't sleeping, I was newly married and I was just mentally, emotionally, and physically exhausted. The day after I had him, I had about 15 people in the hospital all wanting a bit of Eli, and then as soon as I was out of hospital, it was the same. Some people just have the expectation that they deserve to see your baby whenever it suits them, and I wish I had been stronger in those early days, strong enough to know that that is totally not ok and it totally IS ok to tell people to please go away, I just had a baby and I am tired and I will let you know when we're up to visitors, thank you very much.
That doesn't last too long. Once breastfeeding has been established, you're getting blocks of 5 hours of sleep, and you're starting to feel less hormonal, having visitors over to show your baby off too is in fact really nice. But until then, look after yourself and put you and your baby's needs first :)
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